I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
