I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Your tits are I can't wait for
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
