You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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