hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
