we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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