I feel like abortions should bother me more
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
