We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
