i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
