I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
