I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
