Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
