My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
