We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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