i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
