you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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