this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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