i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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