i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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