don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
