Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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