I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
