Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
