Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
