I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
