just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
