her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
