OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Can Purell be used as lube?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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