dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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