Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
