I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
