pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
