At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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