I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
