I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
