just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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