I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
