We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
