He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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