she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
should my penis look like a turkey
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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