Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
