I wanna passion pit in your ass
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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