I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
