woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
