i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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