Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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