In America we eat man semen.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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