I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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