I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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