I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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