Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
