alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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