you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Apparently you make a good broom.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize