The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
