tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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