i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
