This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
